Stupid.

I don't get why I got upset about a name.
I mean.
Maybe it's just because I don't like you.
And it resembles too much of someone else, that I am actually friends with.
Whatever.


One week of band down.
One to go.
Everyone is leaving for college.
Everyone is leaving in general.
Here we go.

Band.

It starts tomorrow.
I'm dreading marching.
Not marching, just the heat.
But I find it so weird how things changed.
I remember last year.
I remember walking into band camp, and it being horrible.
I remember I just wanted the group to come get me.
I even remember crying in the bathroom because it was getting bad.
Now this year.
I want nothing to do with them.
Band camp is a reason to get away from them.
Not like I'm apart of anything they're doing these next two weeks.
It's just.
Change.
I told my instructor I might not do indoor because I wanted to be more apart of my church.
Last year.
I was really debating it.
Everyone knows my love for indoor.
That's gotta be big to give up.
Backfire in my face.
I hope everyone is happy about that.
I just. Don't understand.
I know I don't have to.

I can't believe I was stupid to almost give up something I love so much for something I should have never trusted.

I guess that's life.

Sigh.

I saw this today.
And if made me stop for a second.

Over.

I have successfully gone 21 days without media.

Morning.

This was a fabulous song to wake up to.

Isn't it nice to know that the lining is silver?
Isn't it nice to know that we're golden?

Dumb.

You don't know if I'll understand?

Awesome.

I'm not two.

All I want to do is know.

That's all.

Love.

"I love the sound of a drumline, it makes me happy." - Matt Bowers.

I wish I could be in the lot tonight and tomorrow.
I'm honestly the happiest I could ever be watching lines for hours.

Disappointed.

No DCI for me.
Of course not.

Cavaliers are tonight.
Cadets are tomorrow.
So are Blue Coats.

The thing. I live for.
That I love more than anything.
I can't go.

Forget it.

Free.

Dumb.

HOH.

Hope.

I'm really having a hard time over this.
I'm not sure why.

I haven't been this hung up over the past in a while.
One of the feelings I can't handle is missing.
Missing? I don't know if that makes sense.
I know what I mean.
That feeling of just missing things.
How they were.

I can't believe I actually blocked out as much as I did.
I blocked out. A lot.
I mean, a lot.

'And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to chose who are called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28

I'm crying.
That won't do me much good.
I'm praying.
I'm breathing.
Much better.

Remorse.

I was a jerk.
A complete jerk.

I wish I could take it back.

The good in this?
I'm stronger from then.
I can stick up for myself.
I can suck up my fear.
God is on my side.

But.

"friends arguing about everything under the sun again?"
I'd love that back.

Constant.

More cliches coming.
Isn't it amazing how music connects with you?
It's that. That. Expression of your soul.
Every single word that you never thought you could write yourself.
All with rhyming, talented singers, guitars and percussion.
Everything is included.

If you have never heard the song Constant by House of Heroes then I don't know what to do other than tell you to buy it.

Hard times are inevitable, yes. I understand they make you stronger.
All I know how to do now, is pray.
So I do.

These words really have described my nights for about two weeks now.

All thru the night I was fallin'
Straining to hear Your voice callin'
You never gave out, You never gave in
You never quite gave up on me
You are my constant

Music can speak all words.

I will keep on praying.

Email.

Isn't it crazy how much we used email as much as five years ago?
I know that's so cliche.
I know I'm on a media fast.
Email isn't really media in my book.
I do have people to organize things with, important places to go, and things to be updated on.
But.
Five years ago. It was like AIM.
My friend, went to email when his AIM was blocked.

Just.

I was re-reading a whole bunch of emails.
I lost it.
I started crying at the things I talked about.
Not necessary what we were talking about.
But with who.

I re-read the promise I made to you.
I re-read that whole conversation.
I re-read it as the forward I sent to you.
I miss you so much.
You leave in three weeks.

I honestly forgot how close we were.
I read numerous emails saying 'Come to youth'
I honestly forgot how much we depended on each other.
Messages saying "please, are you there?"
I honestly forgot how much someone loved me.
"alexa i love you. alexa i do. when we're apart my heart beats only for you"
I honestly forgot how much it killed me when you hurt.
"I need to talk to you, alexa. I did what you did."

I'm still crying.

Relentless.

Like wildfires, we burn relentlessly.

7:20.

of Jefferson Aero Plane is the most ridiculous thing.
By Relient K.
I don't think I have ever laughed so hard over a Relient K song.
Oh, pure gold.


Please stop wearing your silly shoes.
We like wearing our silly shoes.

Relief.

I'm finally done my school work.

YAY.

Suburba.

If you haven't bought this CD yet.
WHY?

Ugh. I am SO in love.

Speak.

This song.
Seems to have hit me. Hard.

You Are More - Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade

Should.

Have stayed in Maine.
Or done something.
This isn't what I wanted to come home to.

Mad.

Way to go.