Pain.

My stomach churns, and aches from the compassion I once showed you.

Despise.

I hate you.
I hate you both.
In every way possible.

Go die in a hole, forever.

I want you out of my friends' lives.
They didn't do anything.
Why destroy such beautiful people,
such beautiful girls.

I hate you.
You sicken me.

Clueless

I'm not really sure what to write.
I can't really find a good blog to stick with.

This one is better than tumblr I think.
But, this is more every emotion, as tumblr was just anger.

Headaches are getting bad.
Have had one every day last week minus Wed.
Seriously?

Sigh.
I'm gonna start blogging again.

College.

I want out.
I hate you.
Not really.
I just. Can't stand you.

It's getting really old.
I want you away.
I want to go away.

p.s. This. All of this that is going on. Can't happen anymore.

Can I leave now?

FYI.

Being a bitch.
Yeah, that's you.
Won't change anything.

Forget.

Officially falling.

Yeah, I haven't really had my. not my.
I haven't had a youth group in a while.
Those people were a group away from home.

Forget that.

Now what am I supposed to do when someone says I don't care about the line?
Why?
Because I made plans and our instructor changed them?
That's not my fault.
I changed everything around it.
I miss one freakin' practice.
Not a competition.
Not a football game.
Not a Saturday practice.

Just forget me.

akdfjak;dfja;fdajdfadf.

Again.

My head is pounding.
I want to sleep.
I think I will.

Sweet dreams.

It feels good to blog again.

Mistake.

I really thought this point of this.
Was for people to come and enjoy.
And do what they love, and makes them happy.

I know me, as much as I don't get along with people.
I want them to join.
I want them to have somewhere to go from home.
Somewhere that people can express themselves.

That's what I always thought.
My bad.

Frustration.

I can't even put into words.
All I'm doing is sitting here crying.
Of course.
You all day.
You coming tomorrow.
Us fighting.
My reflection.
Everything.
On and on and on.

Stupid.

I don't get why I got upset about a name.
I mean.
Maybe it's just because I don't like you.
And it resembles too much of someone else, that I am actually friends with.
Whatever.


One week of band down.
One to go.
Everyone is leaving for college.
Everyone is leaving in general.
Here we go.

Band.

It starts tomorrow.
I'm dreading marching.
Not marching, just the heat.
But I find it so weird how things changed.
I remember last year.
I remember walking into band camp, and it being horrible.
I remember I just wanted the group to come get me.
I even remember crying in the bathroom because it was getting bad.
Now this year.
I want nothing to do with them.
Band camp is a reason to get away from them.
Not like I'm apart of anything they're doing these next two weeks.
It's just.
Change.
I told my instructor I might not do indoor because I wanted to be more apart of my church.
Last year.
I was really debating it.
Everyone knows my love for indoor.
That's gotta be big to give up.
Backfire in my face.
I hope everyone is happy about that.
I just. Don't understand.
I know I don't have to.

I can't believe I was stupid to almost give up something I love so much for something I should have never trusted.

I guess that's life.

Sigh.

I saw this today.
And if made me stop for a second.

Over.

I have successfully gone 21 days without media.

Morning.

This was a fabulous song to wake up to.

Isn't it nice to know that the lining is silver?
Isn't it nice to know that we're golden?

Dumb.

You don't know if I'll understand?

Awesome.

I'm not two.

All I want to do is know.

That's all.

Love.

"I love the sound of a drumline, it makes me happy." - Matt Bowers.

I wish I could be in the lot tonight and tomorrow.
I'm honestly the happiest I could ever be watching lines for hours.

Disappointed.

No DCI for me.
Of course not.

Cavaliers are tonight.
Cadets are tomorrow.
So are Blue Coats.

The thing. I live for.
That I love more than anything.
I can't go.

Forget it.

Free.

Dumb.

HOH.

Hope.

I'm really having a hard time over this.
I'm not sure why.

I haven't been this hung up over the past in a while.
One of the feelings I can't handle is missing.
Missing? I don't know if that makes sense.
I know what I mean.
That feeling of just missing things.
How they were.

I can't believe I actually blocked out as much as I did.
I blocked out. A lot.
I mean, a lot.

'And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to chose who are called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28

I'm crying.
That won't do me much good.
I'm praying.
I'm breathing.
Much better.

Remorse.

I was a jerk.
A complete jerk.

I wish I could take it back.

The good in this?
I'm stronger from then.
I can stick up for myself.
I can suck up my fear.
God is on my side.

But.

"friends arguing about everything under the sun again?"
I'd love that back.

Constant.

More cliches coming.
Isn't it amazing how music connects with you?
It's that. That. Expression of your soul.
Every single word that you never thought you could write yourself.
All with rhyming, talented singers, guitars and percussion.
Everything is included.

If you have never heard the song Constant by House of Heroes then I don't know what to do other than tell you to buy it.

Hard times are inevitable, yes. I understand they make you stronger.
All I know how to do now, is pray.
So I do.

These words really have described my nights for about two weeks now.

All thru the night I was fallin'
Straining to hear Your voice callin'
You never gave out, You never gave in
You never quite gave up on me
You are my constant

Music can speak all words.

I will keep on praying.

Email.

Isn't it crazy how much we used email as much as five years ago?
I know that's so cliche.
I know I'm on a media fast.
Email isn't really media in my book.
I do have people to organize things with, important places to go, and things to be updated on.
But.
Five years ago. It was like AIM.
My friend, went to email when his AIM was blocked.

Just.

I was re-reading a whole bunch of emails.
I lost it.
I started crying at the things I talked about.
Not necessary what we were talking about.
But with who.

I re-read the promise I made to you.
I re-read that whole conversation.
I re-read it as the forward I sent to you.
I miss you so much.
You leave in three weeks.

I honestly forgot how close we were.
I read numerous emails saying 'Come to youth'
I honestly forgot how much we depended on each other.
Messages saying "please, are you there?"
I honestly forgot how much someone loved me.
"alexa i love you. alexa i do. when we're apart my heart beats only for you"
I honestly forgot how much it killed me when you hurt.
"I need to talk to you, alexa. I did what you did."

I'm still crying.

Relentless.

Like wildfires, we burn relentlessly.

7:20.

of Jefferson Aero Plane is the most ridiculous thing.
By Relient K.
I don't think I have ever laughed so hard over a Relient K song.
Oh, pure gold.


Please stop wearing your silly shoes.
We like wearing our silly shoes.

Relief.

I'm finally done my school work.

YAY.

Suburba.

If you haven't bought this CD yet.
WHY?

Ugh. I am SO in love.

Speak.

This song.
Seems to have hit me. Hard.

You Are More - Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade

Should.

Have stayed in Maine.
Or done something.
This isn't what I wanted to come home to.

Mad.

Way to go.

Maine.

I'd like to go back there.
Please.
I know how everything was set up.
I didn't like it too much.
I miss the people.
I really loved that weather.

Off.

I'm off to Maine for a mission trip.
I'll be back at the end of the week.
My posts will be added once I return.


See ya!

Admit.

I admit to a lot.
I told you that.
I admit to not wanting you here.
I admit to being done with this all.
I admit to not wanting to go this week.
I admit that you ruined this.
I admit to a lot.

I admit that I don't miss you in my life.

Delayed.

By five hours.
This stinks.
Really bad.

Let's hope the rest of the week goes better.

Packing.

For the mission trip.
We load the truck at 7:00.
It's 5:37.
Talk about procrastination.
I have about an hour since it's a 15 minute ride to the church.
We leave tomorrow morning at 5:30.
People are sleeping over tonight.
I'm not too thrilled to be honest.
It never works.
I'm always alone in my own house.
I have someone who can defend that.
Or, who has seen me go through it.

I'm sure I'll get a lot of crap for not inviting you.
If I'm going to have one good night.
It'll be this one.
We will see how this goes.
I'll be back.

VBS.

I really miss it.
Really really miss it.
I miss all my kids.
I miss the skits.
I miss the crafts.
I miss feeling like a mini celeb.
I miss having a mic that doesn't work.
I miss the bible stories.
I miss seeing the kids sing.
I miss the kids reciting bible verses.
I miss the kids asking questions about God.
I miss kids telling me that they'll see me tomorrow.
Even today, on the last day.
I love Vacation Bible School with all my heart.
If you have never been active in one.
I suggest you do.
It'll really change you.
I miss it all.
Most of all.
I miss my Dean and Kylie.






I really do miss them all though.


To see young kids worship, in the way they know how.
Really, touches my heart.

Matthew 18:3
'And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."'

More.

Please sir, can I have some more?
No?
I'll do it myself, thanks.

Notice.

I've picked up on a habit.
The last couple times.
Have been Sundays.
Hm. Think about it.

Relapsing.

Yeah.
About that.

Really?

You, you, you.
It doesn't matter what, you always take attention.
You're not even supposed to be at practice.
YOU ARE NOT APART OF SKITS.
I don't care how obvious this is.
It's bothersome.
Talk about it.
I sat in the rain while you took the ride.
You walk. Every single day.
Why did you need a ride.
My mom got mad at me.
Why?
For that same reason.
Whatever.

Almost.

I almost, really want to give up my cell phone for this fast thing.
Legit.
I want more focus on God.
100%.

"I've never been a 100% on anything, and I think I'm awesome."

Haha.
Maybe not 100%, but as close I can to it.

I get to go on the mission trip, which means no phone.
That'll be fun.
Yay God.
Slap slap clap.

It's not even the people I talk to.
It's that I'll sit and text, instead of going out and about.
Going on walks, reading, focusing on God.

That seems to be mentioned a lot. Good.

We will see.

Torn.

It's really bothersome how the last week as been going.
Especially since it was the week before VBS.
Now, this week, is VBS.
VBS is Vacation Bible School, just to get you caught up.
I don't understand it.
If you don't want to help.
Or just want to goof.
Why come?
We have enough kids to worry about.
We don't need to be watching you too.
I know it isn't holy.
It's just.
Seriously?
One week of showing kids to God, and you still want attention?
We talked about it today in VBS.
Planting the good seed.
No, but you.
You. Are the weed, and I just.
kafjfdafjafd.
I can't say anything to anyone or it's another retreat.
Let's talk about her.
I love my voice of reason.
She's adorable.
I just. Am confused.
The weed just makes me want to drop everything.
Leave that red floored place behind.
A new place, a new church with God.
Then there are others, like.
Three people, I want to stay for.
That's it.
That weed just takes everything away.
So. Do I stay?
Do I leave?
Grin and bear it?
I know pray, I'm getting that done.
I just can't change the other people's view.

Missing.

I really miss drumline.
Well, not really the people in drumline.
The performance.
I miss strapping on the 40 some pound drums,
grabbing my four pairs of sticks,
and running.
Yeah. Running.
I miss it. I want it back.
I just, don't want the marching band part.
I really want to drum.
I always get these urges, around this time at night.
This time, meaning, too late at night.
I don't know which book I should start.
Blue Devils or Cavaliers.
I just want that thrill to perform.

Second.

A second blog?
Wait. What. Why?
I want one for faith, and one for everything else.
I'm not sure why.
I tried combining the two, and it didn't work.
So we will see how this goes.